Writing Growth
1) The first thing I need to work on when writing essays is having a stronger and more fluid introduction. I tend to have many ideas and then they all get jumbled together. I think if I take the most important ideas I would like to incorporate and try shuffling them around so that there is more flow and organization. By doing this I could also rule out the unimportant or unnecessary things that I sometimes just put into my introductions for space. One revision I could make for my introduction is to try and make my thesis more clear. I contradicted myself by saying that Thoreau lived and breathed transcendentalism while I was also saying that he was not in fact the walking ethic that Waldo so proudly deemed him. I think I could really use a concessive to my advantage and say, "Even though Thoreau believed he was transcending the modern life, he struggled living within society where all he saw were flaws as a transcendentalist."
2) I shall use more clear and precise word choice when I writing in the future. I often put in word that I think will make my writing more concise, but that is not always what makes my writing strong or understandable. In my first draft I wrote, Thoreau has seen and come to an understanding for he can transcend his body, but he struggles to be able to transcend his body in the presence of a robotic/fake world. This phrase was unclear, awkward, and incomplete because it may have left the reader confused about how the world is fake or robotic, so I needed to added how the world looks from the eyes of Thoreau. I could have instead said, Thoreau has the ability to transcend his body unless he is confined by society's pressure for conformity and materialistic items. This unsettles his beliefs causing him to falter while amongst its existence.
3) I need to work on my conclusions and make them more relevant to the rest of my writing. I will write my next piece knowing exactly what my point is and make it more powerful. I could have added how Thoreau did realize the flaw in how he was living and how it can be seen at the very end of the book. Of course Thoreau was not a perfect man and I should have acknowledged that he understood as he went through life.
2) I shall use more clear and precise word choice when I writing in the future. I often put in word that I think will make my writing more concise, but that is not always what makes my writing strong or understandable. In my first draft I wrote, Thoreau has seen and come to an understanding for he can transcend his body, but he struggles to be able to transcend his body in the presence of a robotic/fake world. This phrase was unclear, awkward, and incomplete because it may have left the reader confused about how the world is fake or robotic, so I needed to added how the world looks from the eyes of Thoreau. I could have instead said, Thoreau has the ability to transcend his body unless he is confined by society's pressure for conformity and materialistic items. This unsettles his beliefs causing him to falter while amongst its existence.
3) I need to work on my conclusions and make them more relevant to the rest of my writing. I will write my next piece knowing exactly what my point is and make it more powerful. I could have added how Thoreau did realize the flaw in how he was living and how it can be seen at the very end of the book. Of course Thoreau was not a perfect man and I should have acknowledged that he understood as he went through life.